


Looking For What You Lost

by elledritchhorror



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Buddy Aurinko smacks her babies into being better with her words, Canon-Typical Violence, Jet takes Juno on a fun shopping trip and nothing could possibly go wrong, Juno Steel's self-destructive tendencies, Juno and Nureyev don't get their shit together straight away, Juno and Vespa bond through arguing, Nureyev is a scared petty bitch and I love him for it, Rita gets fired, also my condolences on your penumbra experience if that's you, everyone cares about Juno Steel and that's as it should be, if you don't like stories about eyes and eye trauma pls skip this one, more warnings in the notes please read them i don't want anyone to be sad, tags not in order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elledritchhorror/pseuds/elledritchhorror
Summary: "Juno woke up to the sound of humming machines and the strangest sensation in his head. It was like a pressure behind his right eye that made it throb painfully. Which he realised about three seconds later was a problem because he shouldn’t have a right eye."Juno is kidnapped on a job and put through a procedure where his missing eye is regrown, ancient martian mind reading attachment and all. Then the fic starts. Hope you didn't think that was the interesting bit.
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko & Juno Steel, Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Jet Sikuliaq & Juno Steel, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel, Vespa Ilkay & Juno Steel
Comments: 22
Kudos: 114





	Looking For What You Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my first penumbra fic, and the first fic I have posted in years because it scares me. 
> 
> This has some stuff in it that some people will probably not want to read for various ~reasons~  
> I don't think there's anything that's worse than what you'd find in canon but everyone's tolerances are different so take note and please let me know if you notice something I've missed so I can fix the list.  
> Anyway pls avoid this fic or otherwise just be warned if you are concerned by:  
> eye trauma/eye descriptions  
> medical discussions  
> violent confrontations  
> threats of suicide (not for mental health reasons but still very much a threat to their own life)  
> references to suicide attempts  
> self harm (again not for mental health reasons but still there)  
> hallucinations/psychosis  
> paranoia  
> mind reading  
> needles (just mentioned, not described)  
> Also I mentioned in the tags and it's explained at some point in the fic but to be clear this is written on the premise that Juno and Nureyev do not sort out their relationship at the end of Man in Glass. Not in an "it's offscreen so we don't know" way but in a "Juno tried to talk it out and Nureyev said no" way. It's about the ~angst~. 
> 
> Anyway enjoy! Pls leave a comment if you like it I'm trying to get used to being Perceived and talking to Fellow Humans.

Juno woke up to the sound of humming machines and the strangest sensation in his head. It was like a pressure behind his right eye that made it throb painfully. Which he realised about three seconds later was a _problem_ because he shouldn’t have a right eye. He tried to open his eyes to find a mirror or something and found that only the left would open, the right stayed shut. He reached up and felt blindly at his face. A bandage. There was a bandage over his right eye, which he had somehow. Huh. 

The room he was in looked like a hospital ward, all white tiles and sheets, and a steel frame bed next to a complicated looking set of machinery. Or at least he assumed it was complicated. All machinery was complicated to Juno. He tried to sit up but a debilitating pain shot from his eye all the way down to his fingertips so he decided it wasn’t worth the effort right at that moment and he lay back down. Which is where he stayed for a while, waiting. Someone did this to him, he sure as hell hadn’t done it himself, so eventually someone had to come check up on him.

Enough time passed that Juno started to doze again. The pain in his eye was enough to be tiring and without anything to keep him awake and no way to move without screaming, sleep was looking pretty good. That was until the noise started up. A series of clangs and thunks came from somewhere, which had Juno worried enough, but then there was the unmistakable sound of blaster fire and Juno knew he had to try to get up, pain be damned. The electric zing rushed from his eye to his toes this time but Juno pushed through it and heaved off the bed… just in time to hear the door slam open and to fall directly into the arms of Jet Siquliak. God Juno loved Jet sometimes. Old reliable had nothing on him. 

The sounds got louder, more distinct, and Juno couldn’t really figure out what was happening. He heard Buddy’s voice, that harsh bark that said that she was in fight mode. He heard Vespa respond with something, and felt Jet speak over his head but it was all too much for Juno to take in. He wished he knew where he was, where any of them were, but he couldn’t make anything out anymore. His one good eye was blurry and his brain couldn’t make sense of what his senses were taking in. 

_Where the hell is Nureyev?_ Juno thought and with a sudden clarity he knew. Nureyev was holding a position opposite Vespa near the door. The hospital or death lab or whatever it was, was tiny and the Ruby 7 wasn’t far away. He didn’t know how he knew that but he was too overwhelmed to question it. Jet said something to him and Juno couldn’t make it out, but before he could try to put thought to weary tongue and ask Jet to repeat himself he somehow knew that the larger man was going to pick him up. Juno used the last of his strength to lift his arms up around Jet’s neck to make it easier on him and then the sounds of fighting faded into silence as the world went dark. 

* * *

The next time Juno woke it was in a much more recognisable room. He was in the medbay on the Carte Blanche, with Vespa hovering above him. Juno might have flinched or shouted but he was so tired, and somehow he’d known she would be there anyway. Instead he blinked groggily and looked at her face, trying to figure out why she looked different. Then he realised that it wasn’t that _she_ looked different, he could just see more angles of her face at once. His right eye was open and it was giving him input, same as the left. 

“You awake in there, Steel?” Vespa grunted. Juno wiggled his hand in a so-so motion and Vespa just huffed. “Well your eyes should be working fine. Those assholes that grabbed you, they grew you a new eye. It’s fuckin’ weird.” 

Juno tried to speak, then choked and coughed. Vespa rolled her eyes but brought him some water, and after a few grateful sips Juno tried again. 

“Weird how?” He asked. Vespa scowled. 

“It’s got something on it, some weird growth. I can’t tell what it is, it doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever seen,” she said. Juno felt his stomach sink into the bed. 

“So just to be clear here, I’ve got a new eye? And there’s something growing on the back of it?” 

“...Yeah. How’d you know where it was?” Vespa asked, accusatory now. Juno sighed. 

“That’s what my eye was like when I had it last. It’s kind of how I lost the eye in the first place.” A pause. “Shit. Shit shit _shit_. Way to go, Steel, just what we all needed.” 

“Well what is it?” Vespa snapped. 

“It’s ancient martian DNA. It was some kind of organic prosthetic I think, and I don’t really know anything more about it than that,” Juno said. He was suddenly very tired again. 

“Did it have a name or anything?” Vespa asked. 

“Uh, the lessoniana something or other. I think.” 

“How do I spell that?” 

Juno raised one eyebrow, Vespa scoffed then shook her head. 

“Ancient Martian, lessoniana. I might be able to find something about it,” Vespa said, mostly to herself. Juno nodded, completely done with this day already. He made to get up and though Vespa didn’t help, she didn’t stop him either. He mustn’t be doing too badly then. 

“I’m gonna… go to my room. Gotta sort this out,” Juno said vaguely and shuffled off. Vespa walked out behind him and went straight for her and Buddy’s room. Probably a good thing. Juno needed some time to himself to sort this out so if Vespa could explain it then all the better. 

* * *

So Juno went to his room and he stayed there. For three days. Not that he was doing nothing all that time, he was making sure that he could control the eye. There was some bleeding but it wasn’t as bad as it had been the first time he’d been practicing with it. Probably because he was trying _not_ to use it now. Rita left him food at the door and Juno always made sure to text her a thank you and a heart. He wasn’t going to start using emotes like they were full sentences the way Rita did but he could at least send her one or two. But mostly he just sat on his bed or at his desk and focused on controlling the eye, and making sure that he wasn’t going to just go diving into anyone’s heads anytime soon. 

What he’d done to Nureyev with the eye was bad enough and Juno hadn’t had a choice with that, it was a life or death situation. But he wasn’t going to do that to the others, especially not Vespa, so he had to make sure that he could keep it under wraps. It was more sitting and meditating than Juno had ever wanted to do in his life, which admittedly wasn’t hard; he never wanted to sit and meditate, but eventually he stopped reaching out at every noise in the hallway. So with that done, it was time to face the music. She’d given him his space alone, probably because Vespa and Rita had explained things, but now it was time to go see Buddy. 

Juno knocked on her door and she called out permission to enter. He walked in and checked around for Vespa first. It must have been pretty obvious because Buddy laughed at him. 

“Vespa isn’t here, darling, it’s just us. Come sit,” she said and Juno walked over to the armchair across from the desk and relaxed back into it. What could he say, it had been a tiring three days of sitting on his ass thinking. “So, are you ready to tell me about what’s going on?” 

Juno squirmed a little in his seat but he knew he could just explain himself. “Yeah. I’m uh, I’m sorry for disappearing. I had to make sure I could control this thing,” he began, gesturing vaguely towards his face. 

“Yes, Rita explained what you were doing. She also said that the last time she saw you with this… martian growth… you were fine. She was surprised that you needed any training at all,” Buddy said. It wasn’t accusatory really, but there was the hint in her tone that if Juno didn’t come up with an explanation fast then he was gonna be one sorry dame. 

“Last time Rita saw me with this eye I had never had to use it much. I used it by accident a couple of times but it wasn’t until after I really went looking for the ancient Martian artefacts that I had to try to use it. I didn’t even really know what it did until then.” Buddy nodded and gestured for him to go on. 

“So, back then I was looking for someone who was stealing all these ancient Martian artefacts. Someone tried to steal this… pill thing. It was apparently some ancient Martian medicine and there was a guy in a pharmaceutical company who had it who thought it could be used to bring about world peace or something if it could be synthesised. But the case went to shit and there wasn’t really anything I could do to stop it from getting in the wrong hands except, well…” 

“You swallowed it,” Buddy said flatly. “It was an ancient Martian medicine that you knew almost nothing about and you _swallowed it_.”

“Yeah it was a bad idea but it was also two years ago please don’t chew me out for it I already got that from just- _so many_ people,” Juno rushed out. Buddy looked distinctly amused but she once again gave him the go ahead to continue. “So anyway I swallowed it and I heard this voice saying it was gonna take what belonged to it and then… nothing. For ages. So I went back to life as usual for a while but there were too many things happening relating to ancient Martians so I went to a contact looking for help. I got it, after a fashion, but we were caught trying to escape with another artefact by the owner of that voice in my head. She made me use the eye so she could collect data on it to replicate it. It didn’t turn out her way in the end but it did give me a lot of practice using this thing. So when it came back…” Juno trailed off. 

“When it came back you went back to your most recent instinct which was to use it constantly,” Buddy finished for him. 

“Yeah. And you all don’t need me in your heads, so I just… sat by myself while I figured it out. I didn’t mean to cause any problems or worry anyone, I just didn’t want to risk that I was gonna get into something I shouldn’t by accident. Only need a second for the damage to be done,” Juno said. He sounded defensive now and hated it, but he didn’t want Buddy to think that he would normally just hide away, or that he didn’t respect the family. He had been sceptical of the family thing when it first came about but Juno loved this strange group of criminals and human-shaped puppies now and he would hate for anyone to think that he didn’t, well, care about them. He’d already made one of them think he didn’t love him. 

“Well thank you for telling me all that, and thank you for respecting our privacy. I hope you will tell me if this ever gets out of control. _Not_ ,” she suddenly took on a stern tone, “so that I can reprimand you, rather so I can help you. You needn’t suffer this alone, Juno. I know you’re concerned for us but I need you to understand that your safety is much more important than our secrets.” 

Juno nodded. He didn’t really feel that way but he knew that Buddy did, somehow, for some reason. She smiled at him and Juno felt like he’d passed some test. Maybe he was just hoping he had pleased her. Whatever. Buddy smiled and Juno knew it as a dismissal so he got up and headed towards the kitchen intent on getting his own damn food this time. He probably should have been paying some attention to where he was going though or he might have avoided bumping into Nureyev. Literally. 

“Oh, sorry,” Juno stammered and Nureyev gave him a look that was somehow the same and the opposite as Buddy’s. Enigmatic and evaluative but this was a bar that Juno had most certainly not met. 

“I see you’ve decided to come out of your hidey hole for once,” Nureyev said. Juno couldn’t quite make out the tone there but he suspected that Nureyev was annoyed about more than just bumping into him. 

“Uh, yeah. Just had to… y’know. Make sure this thing wasn’t gonna start looking for stuff,” Juno stammered. God he was always stumbling over his words with Nureyev. Back when they’d been colleagues, then tentative allies, then… whatever they were, Juno had always been able to speak to him. More than anyone else really by the end of things. Now he stuttered and mumbled and always seemed to find exactly the right thing to piss Nureyev off. 

“And have you managed that, detective?” Nureyev asked. Terse. That was the word for his tone. It was terse. Not that Juno knew what to do about it now that he’d figured it out. 

“Yeah. I uh, I’ve got it under control,” Juno said. 

“Good.” 

Nureyev walked past Juno towards the bedrooms without looking at him at all. Juno bit his lip, then shook his head and went to make some lunch. Vespa was in the kitchen when he got there and had apparently been watching the exchange in the hallway. 

“Is he more pissed at you than usual or something?” She asked. Juno shrugged. He’d got the same vibe but he didn’t exactly want to talk about it. It was obviously something to do with the eye but there was so much all wrapped up in that time with Nureyev that Juno couldn’t hope to figure out which part was bothering him without doing some digging and he had no intention of doing that. Vespa grunted but didn’t push, just went back to eating her toast. 

Juno went about making his own toast and slathered it with butter then decided he’d better sit down and get back to work now that the eye was solved. Sorta. 

“So did you and Buddy do any more planning for this heist while I was gone?” Juno asked. Vespa grunted, then pointed to a file on the top of a stack on the side of the table. Juno grabbed it and started to look through the details. 

“We’re going together? I thought I was supposed to go alone,” Juno said. 

“You _were_ , and then you got kidnapped and those weirdos grew some freaky eyeball thing in you, so I’m your backup in case it goes berserk or whatever.” Vespa said as if it should be obvious. Hey, maybe it should have been. Juno could feel the stirrings of frustration and the urge to snap back at Vespa like always but he really was tired after three days of keeping his focus on controlling alien biology so he just dropped it. Vespa narrowed her eyes at him but didn’t say anything. That happened a lot with Vespa. It was probably going to happen a lot on this next job. Oh well. 

* * *

It took almost no time at all for the job to go to hell and Juno would be proud to say later that it wasn’t his fault. What he wasn’t happy about was that their marks were in fact much better equipped than they expected and they had a lot more goons at arms to defend the place. They had their goal, the keycodes to the vaults that belonged to a very rich company with a CEO who liked to collect strange and expensive pieces, but it was likely that they would do nothing after today. He and Vespa had well and truly been made, so the whole vault system was probably about to change. Juno didn’t care much about that right now, mostly he just wanted to make sure he and Vespa got the hell out of there before someone turned them into so much laser slag. 

“Hurry up, Steel!” Vespa growled and Juno tried to push a little harder, run a little faster. He was faster than he used to be but that didn’t necessarily mean much, he wasn’t very fast to begin with. Not much he could do about that. Juno kept pace as best he could until they rounded another corner and found themselves face to face with three more guards. Vespa didn’t hesitate, she stabbed one and kicked out at the next, knocking him unconscious, but the third one got a blaster up before Juno could make a shot. They froze and waited. 

“Alright you two, we’re gonna take a trip back to the boss’ office and see what he wants done with you,” the last of the guards said in a snively little voice that made Juno’s temples ache. The guard backed them up towards the offices but Juno couldn’t help but feel something was wrong. The guards had been trying to kill them just before, but now that one got their blaster up suddenly the criminals were headed to daddy’s room to be punished? There was something wrong but Juno couldn’t figure it out and if they stayed in the dark they were gonna die that way. So he looked for the answer. The pain was instant but he tried not to be concerned with it. They needed a way out of the building and with a blaster aimed at them and very much _not_ set to stun, Juno would need something to buy Vespa a moment to act. 

Juno could hear the guard’s surface thoughts but there was nothing there beyond the concentration required to aim the blaster directly at Vespa’s head. So they weren’t a great shot but that didn’t mean they couldn’t get lucky at the right moment. But if they weren’t any good then why didn’t they seem worried to be facing an assassin? Juno felt the slightest trickle of blood pooling in the corner of his eye but he ignored it. There was something to be found there. He almost got it too late. 

The flash of insight left Juno lightheaded but he was still a much better shot than the asshole behind them. The problem wasn’t that one, it was the one who was coming to corner them at the next hall. Vespa was in front, she’d be killed first, so Juno had to move before that could happen. The pain seared behind his eye as Juno pushed that psychic instinct just a little further and drew the spare blaster he kept hidden for situations like this one. The new guard rounded the corner and Juno had a stun shot in him before he even made it all the way into the corridor. Then in a flash Juno rounded and used the split second of shock from the guard who had led them here to shoot them too. Which was great, except that the eye only gave Juno some of the details, so he didn’t see the third one flanking them until she already had her knife in his gut. 

Juno vaguely heard Vespa shout his name but he didn’t take much note of it. His eye was bleeding again and now he had a stab wound to worry about. He put his hands to the injury on instinct and that turned out to be a good thing because when Vespa ripped the third guard away and slammed her head against the wall, Juno had a better grip on the knife. You were supposed to keep the knife in until a doctor saw it right? 

“Steel, stay with me. We gotta get out of here. Walk with me,” Vespa said. Juno nodded and leaned gratefully on Vespa’s shoulder when she pulled his arm around her. They limped on down the hallway and got most of the way without meeting any more guards. When they reached the doors and got outside it was a different story but Juno let the eye give him their locations so when Vespa kicked their way through he had two guards stunned before the door hit the wall. Then it was a short dash to the street and a tense minute waiting for Jet to speed up in the ruby 7. 

Vespa helped Juno into the back and then ran around to get in the other side and started fussing over the knife in his guts. She pulled out a sedative from the medical bag and held it up where Juno could see. He nodded, knowing it was the better option, and she jabbed him quick and painless, then he was passed out once again. 

* * *

Juno woke slowly, hazy and warm in his bed on the Carte Blanche. The covers were up around his shoulders so he was enclosed in soft fabric and Juno stretched a little and thought about how nice it would be to wake up like this every day forever. How nice it would feel to be so warm and comfortable, lying next to Nureyev and waiting for him to wake. He smiled a little on instinct thinking about Nureyev, and his mind honed in on the thought like it always did ever since that first night. Juno lingered on the thought of that night, how good it had felt to go to sleep with someone there beside him. How wonderful it had been to stay pressed against his side, and how cold it had seemed in the bed when he had slipped away… 

Juno snapped upright and groaned at the sudden painful spasm in his gut, but it was nothing when compared to the awful, wrenching agony in his heart. He pressed his hands to his eyes and tried to pull back, tried to shut off from Nureyev’s memories, but he’d said it himself to Buddy only a few days ago: it only took a second for the damage to be done. He shut down any access to anyone else’s mind but Juno could not shake away the memory of that aching cold in his chest. Not his chest - Nureyev’s. 

Juno was crying before he had even finished his thought. He knew he had hurt Nureyev when he left. Knew that he’d fucked up beyond belief. But to feel it as though it were him… Juno was lost in it, the pain of the heartbreak and the guilt of knowing that he had caused it. The sound of the door opening startled him and the flinch made his gut wound ache again. Juno looked up to see Jet, concern written clear on his face. 

“Juno, what is wrong?” Jet asked. He sounded about as worried as Juno had ever heard from him. Juno tried to reassure him but he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs to speak. He tried, and just coughed out another sob instead. 

“Is it your wound? Should I get Vespa?” Jet pressed and Juno shook his head. Jet frowned.

“Then what is it? How can I help?” 

Juno wanted nothing more right then than to give the big guy a grateful hug. Not that he thought Jet would appreciate sudden touching but hey, Juno wasn’t actually going to do it. Instead he shook his head again. Juno expected Jet to leave. To get Buddy or Rita, or just go and leave Juno in peace to cry his eyes out, but he didn’t. Instead he came to sit on the edge of the bed and just… waited it out. Eventually Juno managed to get his crying under control, and he wiped his eyes with his head down, embarrassed as hell that Jet had seen all that. 

“Sorry about that, Big Guy. I hope I didn’t wake you,” Juno said weakly. 

“You did. I was concerned, you sounded like you were choking. I thought perhaps your wound had reopened and you were bleeding out, unable to call for anyone,” Jet said. “That is why I entered without knocking.”

Juno flinched back a little at the blunt evaluation. Not that he expected anything else from Jet but it still took him by surprise sometimes. 

“Well thanks Big Guy, but I’m okay,” Juno said. 

"I do not believe that is true. Your injury may not be the cause of your struggle but there is no doubt you are in immense pain even now. Though you are not crying anymore you are still hurt.” 

Well, story of Juno’s fucking life huh. 

“Okay, well then I _will_ be fine. Really, it’s alright,” Juno said, aiming for reassuring. He probably didn’t stick the landing but he never could tell with Jet. 

“Should I get Rita?” Jet asked and Juno nodded.

“Yeah, thanks Big Guy. And can you tell her…” Juno trailed off. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to let Jet in on their little code but he also really needed all comfort and no questions right now. 

“Tell her what?”

“Can you tell her she’s fired, please?” Juno asked. Jet gave him a long look but didn’t ask, thus cementing his place as Juno’s favourite. For as long as it took for Rita to get there at least. 

Juno heard Jet’s heavy footsteps go down the hall, then muffled speaking. He could tell exactly when his message was passed on because Rita’s sleepy tone switched to a sudden shouted _Oh no!_. Not even five seconds later she was knocking on Juno’s door hard enough to rattle it in the frame. Yep, she was his favourite again. 

“Come in,” Juno said, and Rita rushed into the room and had her arms around his shoulders like a flash. The harsh metal of her comms pressed into his back and his stab wound throbbed harshly now after so much abuse but Juno relaxed instantly into Rita’s arms and, somehow, felt the tears returning. As if he hadn’t cried enough already. Rita didn’t question it, she just helped Juno lay back down and then curled up high on the bed so she could cuddle close and still reach around to stroke his hair while she babbled reassurances and stream reviews and love. It was… nice. It wasn’t the usual streams and snacks, or taking over his responsibilities, but it helped. So they lay there for a while and Juno tried not to feel anything, didn’t manage it at all, but did what he did best and relied on Rita. 

* * *

So after the morning breakdown Juno managed to go most of the day without crying again. He napped with Rita, then he moped about in his room for a bit. Eventually he got hungry and he decided he was not going to let this whole situation force him to hide away and cry. So Juno went to the kitchen and managed to sit down with Buddy and eat in silence for a bit and it wasn’t nice but it was needed. Kinda like the first time they went to a planet with snow and the cold left him raw and aching but the atmosphere was so calm and beautiful that it was worth it. 

Then Nureyev walked in. 

Juno stood up before he could even think about it and regretted it the moment his stab wound twinged again. But he couldn’t be here, not while Nureyev was. He couldn’t take it right now. Buddy said something but Juno ignored it, ignored how _stupid_ he must look, and walked out. He refused to look at Nureyev’s face. Knew he wouldn’t be able to do it without blurting out every apology he’s ever rehearsed and begging on his knees for forgiveness. But Nureyev hadn’t wanted those apologies, hadn’t wanted to talk. They’d managed to work together on that first job, and they’d worked well together since, but when Juno had gone to Nureyev’s room that night and asked to talk and Nureyev had turned him down cold, said he didn’t want to talk about it ever, well… Juno was the one at fault here. If he’d really grown since then, what good would any of it be if he couldn’t respect Nureyev’s needs? 

So he ran before he could say anything that would make both of them uncomfortable and didn’t bother to pay attention to where he was going. Which was how he found himself in the medbay, Vespa watching him with a stern frown. 

“You do something to that tear in your gut already, Steel?” She asked. Juno shook his head; he obviously wasn’t convincing. With his hand over his injury and seemingly no other reason to be there Juno probably wouldn’t believe him either. Vespa gestured to the cot with no room for disagreement so Juno sat down and waited. Not like he had anything better to be doing. 

Despite everything else about her, Vespa had gentle hands. It was something Juno had noticed the first time he’d seen her in here. Buddy had demanded they all get a general checkup and give Vespa some baseline data on their health so that she’d know how to treat them if they got hurt or sick, and so Buddy would know what she could reasonably expect them to do physically. To start with at least. There had been a lot of training and exercise since they boarded the ship and it was the one bonding activity that Rita complained about. Juno found it hard at first. He’d let himself get pretty unfit since the days when he would dance with Ben, but it was also interesting seeing how everyone went about it, and he was seeing progress. Each month everyone would get another appointment with Vespa and while her demeanour never softened, her hands were always light and careful. 

Juno let himself be distracted by random observations while Vespa pulled the dressing off the wound and poked around lightly to see how it was healing. He took note of the meticulous order that everything was placed in around the medbay. Everything was always in the same place that she had put it when she set up the room at the start. Nothing had been moved since Juno joined the crew anyway. He noticed as well the tension in her shoulders. Normally when Vespa was in her element like this, tending to someone, she was as relaxed as she ever got. Now she seemed to be thinking about something, and it was making her nervous. Juno didn’t ask. It wasn’t his place to, he and Vespa weren’t exactly on the best of terms. Sure, they’d got a bit better over time but they still fought more than they spoke. Juno wasn’t really aiming for friendship with Vespa anymore. He’d come to realise that she was a bit too off put by anyone other than Buddy and maybe Jet to be friends with them, but he was hoping one day to prove that she could trust him. Not just for Buddy’s sake, but for their own. 

“Well it all looks okay. It’s a bit more swollen than I’d like. Did you do something to aggravate it?” Vespa asked. Juno nodded but didn’t elaborate. She glared at him and Juno looked down at the floor. “You gonna tell me what you did?” 

“Nope,” Juno said. Vespa stood and waited for a minute, then scoffed. 

“Oh, I get it. Gross, Steel. You didn’t think that could wait a little?” She grumbled. Juno realised what conclusion she’d drawn and flushed. He’d thought the truth was too embarrassing but turns out she’d thought of something worse. 

“No! That’s not it at all, jeez!” Juno cried. 

“Well what?” Vespa snapped. 

“I…” Juno hesitated. He didn’t want Vespa to think he’d been doing… _that_. But he also didn’t really want to tell her the truth. Then again, it’s not like Rita wouldn’t spill the beans if she asked. Or Jet. Jet could usually be relied on to keep a secret, until he thought it was a health hazard. If Vespa wanted to know something, Jet would tell her. Juno sighed. “I was crying, okay.”

“Crying? Enough to make all this swell up?” Vespa asked, dubious. Juno just glared at her. “Oh. Uh, sorry,” Vespa muttered. 

“It’s fine, I guess. Don’t worry about it,” Juno said. This was a new thing he’d learned about himself on this ship, the moment anyone genuinely apologised for something all the fight went out of him. Buddy said it was a good thing but mostly Juno didn’t know how to feel about it. He was about to ask for Vespa to redress the injury so he could get out of there when she spoke again. 

“Hey Steel, uh…” she trailed off. 

“Yeah?” Juno prompted. 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” 

“What is it?” Juno tried again. “You need something?” 

“No!” Vespa shouted. Then she sighed and Juno watched her count down from ten on her fingers. He waited her out and she tried again. “I just… I wanted to ask something. About your eye.” 

“What about it?” Juno asked, warily now. 

“I just…” Vespa trailed off again. Juno let her figure out what she wanted to say. There was no point starting a fight here and whatever she wanted to know was clearly difficult for her. 

“I want you to look in my head!” Vespa said in a rush. Juno stared. “If… I mean so long as it won’t like, explode your eye or somethin’, I don’t know.” 

Juno kept staring, stunned. He clearly did it too long because Vespa suddenly got a furious look and opened her mouth to shout and Juno had to speak up. “Uh sure! Yeah I can do that, I guess. I just… are you _sure_ you want me to do that?” His voice cracked on the last sentence but he was far too concerned to be embarrassed. Vespa was asking something that required a level of trust Juno didn’t think she had for anyone but Buddy. She looked at her feet and shifted nervously. 

“Yeah I’m sure. Been thinkin’ about it since Rita told us what that thing could do.” Vespa was almost whispering. “I just… I want you to see if you can tell.” 

“You mean, if I can tell what’s real and what’s not?” Juno clarified. 

“Yeah.” 

Juno thought about it for a second. He would likely have to push deep to have a chance at figuring any of that out, and that might hurt. But it’s not like he could do any worse than literally destroying the eye. It would probably just bleed a little and then maybe Vespa could get some more data on it anyway. More to the point if she really trusted him to do this… well he couldn’t say no to that. 

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to tell, but I’m willing to try. And I won’t tell anyone about what I see either, I promise,” Juno said. 

“You’d _better not_ ,” Vespa growled. Juno put his hands up, he did _not_ want to pick a fight. Vespa subsided and then she crossed her arms and hunched her shoulders almost up to her ears. 

“So should I uh, lie down or something? What do I do?” Vespa asked. 

“You wanna do this now?” 

“Well yeah, unless you got somewhere better to be!” Vespa snapped. It was very obvious that if Juno had somewhere better to be then he was about to be out the airlock. Good thing he didn’t have anywhere better to be. Juno shook his head. 

“Just uh… get comfortable I guess? And try to clear your mind. It makes it easier for me to see what’s in there.” 

Vespa nodded sharply and sat on the end of the bed that Juno was half lying on. She pulled her legs up and crossed them, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Juno closed his eyes too and focused on Vespa. He started with the things he could tell without the eye. He could hear her breathing, getting calmer by the second as she worked on it. He could feel the dip in the thin surgery mattress on the cot. Then he reached further and found her mind. It didn’t feel like a door, like Nureyev’s had. Instead her mind formed to him as a pond. It was placid, though not clear, and despite the murkiness Juno didn’t think twice about wading in. 

He found the memory she wanted him to verify fairly quickly. Vespa was in a shopping mall, a piece of paper in her hands. A grocery list for the Carte Blanche. Typically Jet would buy the supplies for the ship but on days when he was busy for some reason, someone else would fill in. Usually Juno, but that day it had been Vespa. She walked confidently into the large grocer at the end of the hall and started collecting things they needed. Basic staples mostly. When she turned into a new aisle to get coffee someone walked past too quickly and bumped into her. Vespa growled a _hey!_ but the person didn’t respond. Someone else in the aisle looked at her askance and Juno felt the familiar sinking sensation in Vespa’s guts as she realised that the person who hit her might not have been real. She hurried on without looking at anyone. 

The rest of the shopping went without incident. She heard a distant shout when she left the grocer’s but that was either fake or not something she wanted to be involved in. When she had everything packed into the car, Vespa got into the driver’s seat and turned the ignition. She put it in gear, shifted her foot, checked her rearview mirror one more time then slammed her foot back on the brakes with a sharp hiss. There was someone in the mirror. They weren’t moving and they didn’t seem to know or care that they were blocking her path. Juno felt a well of frustration, then a sickly pause. Vespa wanted to shout at this person to get out of the way, but if they weren’t real then she’d just be making a scene in a public place. She waited for one breath, two, three. The person didn’t move. Finally she rolled down her window.

“Get lost!” She hissed. The person startled, but said nothing. Then they moved over so that Vespa had room to reverse out. She sighed, relieved that at least she hadn’t been hallucinating that, when a voice came from beside her in the passenger seat. Nureyev, though she thought of him as ‘the thief’. Juno realised with a start that she didn’t refer to him as ‘Ransom’ in her own mind, she didn’t use the name he gave, only a title. Something she knew was accurate.

“That was a little over-dramatic don’t you think?” Not-Nureyev mocked. His voice was right, kinda. But the tone was all wrong. He was sharp and condescending, and not in the way that Juno knew his condescension to be. It was a little too haughty, and not exasperated enough. Obviously he wasn’t real, he couldn’t have just materialised in the passenger seat, but the disconnect between the Nureyev that Juno knew and this poltergeist was somehow more unsettling than the sudden appearance. This wasn’t Nureyev as he actually was, this was Nureyev as Vespa assumed him to be. Or perhaps Nureyev as Vespa was afraid he would be when he revealed his true colours.

Vespa ignored the vision and kept driving back to the Carte Blanche. The fake Nureyev made a few more comments on the way but she knew this one wasn’t real. It didn’t make sense, so it couldn’t be real. Plus she could always check once she got back to the ship, Buddy would know where he’d been. Juno took note of the logic she used, the same way he took note of any clues and mannerisms from people he didn’t know well. She would analyse the situation based on the likelihood of something being real, then do risk assessment on responding to it. It was a good strategy, Juno thought. He wished she didn’t have to use it but that was a whole other issue. He thought vaguely about teaching her some of his own trade, giving her the skills of a detective to analyse her own view of the world but decided that would be a topic for another day, if they ever became closer. It seemed a whole lot more likely now than before. 

Eventually Vespa made it back to the ship and Juno began to really see the _confusion_ she must be dealing with all the time in addition to her fears. She started unloading the groceries and almost passed one bag off to Jet’s waiting hand before she remembered that the reason he wasn’t just doing the shopping himself was that he was out doing some tests on the Ruby 7 while they were here. Something about the atmosphere being the right type to test a theory. The Ruby wasn’t in the garage, which meant she’d almost just dropped a bag full of groceries on the floor. She shook her head, annoyed at herself, and put the bag down gently before coming back for the others. Eventually Juno himself came into the garage and started picking up bags. Juno realised with a twinge that he remembered this day. There had been nothing all that special about it, except that he’d noticed Vespa had been particularly testy when he’d just taken the food without asking. Now he knew why. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Vespa snapped at him and Juno winced, knowing what was coming next. 

“Uh, taking the food back upstairs? You know, trying to _help._ What the hell’s your problem today?” The memory-Juno snapped, still bent down from where he had been about to pick up the bags. Okay, not his finest moment. Very few of his finest moments had happened around Vespa. 

“Nothing! Shut up!” Vespa growled and she watched him carefully as he picked up the bags and left with an eye roll and some mumbling under his breath. Vespa breathed a sigh of relief seeing the bags go with him. 

“Steel!” A voice called out. It was Vespa’s, but not in the memory. “Hey Steel, wake up!” 

Juno snapped back to reality and blinked a couple of times. Then regretted it when he got blood in his eyelashes. Vespa was sitting directly in front of him now, and she had her hands up waiting for him to give her permission to touch him. Juno nodded and Vespa started probing at the eye, making sure there was no major damage, then she grabbed a disinfectant wipe and cleaned up his face. Juno couldn’t tell if she was going soft on him, or she just thought he couldn’t do that himself without messing it up. 

“I said only do it if it won’t hurt, you moron,” Vespa grumbled. Juno shrugged. 

“Doesn’t really hurt, I didn’t even notice the blood until you pulled me out of it.” Juno mumbled. Vespa shook her head dismissively, then sat back down. 

“So?” She asked. Juno hesitated. “Could you tell or not?” Vespa prompted and Juno sighed. 

“Yes and no. I could tell when some of them were fake but only the same way you could. Like, I could tell that Ransom wasn’t real but so could you, and I got no idea about that guy behind the car.” Juno said. Vespa made a sound like a dog tugging something away from a predator. “Look, your system works. Obviously it’s not perfect but it’s pretty damn good for what it is. I just… I can only see what you see, and I experience it the same way you do. So…” 

“So because it looks real to me, it looks real to you,” Vespa finished. 

“Yeah,” Juno said. Then, “sorry.” 

“Don’t be. You did what I asked.” Vespa sounded defeated and Juno found himself in the strange position of wanting to comfort Vespa Ilkay. Not that he knew how, and she definitely wouldn’t want it from him, so he sat and waited while Vespa did whatever thinking she needed to do about the whole thing. Eventually she shook her head and went about redressing the stab wound. 

“No more crying, Steel. Not for another couple of days at least,” she said. It sounded more like genuine medical advice than mockery, but the reminder that Juno had been crying at all brought him back to, well, everything else. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Juno said. He wandered out of the infirmary and back to his own room. He thought maybe it would be best if he avoided the public areas for a while.

* * *

That worked for a bit. Juno stayed in his room, doing research for Buddy on their next heist while she tried to find information on who had kidnapped Juno and played god with his face. Sometimes he went and watched a stream or two with Rita, or he stayed with Jet in the garage while he worked, handing him tools. It was nice. They didn’t make Juno talk about what happened, they just let him sit in their orbit like an asteroid that had taken a beating and needed a new gravitational force to set him straight. Rita and Jet were two people who could certainly be described as having gravity, though for very different reasons. It was nice, until Buddy tracked him down. 

Juno was sitting on the slightly shitty couch they’d put in the shooting range when it was deemed no longer good enough for the shared space upstairs. They didn’t do a lot of sitting down here, but sometimes after a few hours of shooting he or Buddy would take a load off and watch the other handle a tricky shot. Juno had been cleaning his blaster, checking for anything that needed maintenance, when Buddy walked in. Juno wouldn’t have been surprised to see her even if she had masked the clack of her heels on the floors. She was practically radiating her intent to speak with him and the Martian growth in his head picked up on it without Juno even trying. Turns out there’s only so much you can do to block out someone’s thoughts when they’re projecting them right at you.

“Hey Buddy,” Juno called when she entered the room. Buddy didn’t say anything in return, only walked over to the couch and waited while Juno reassembled his blaster to get the pieces off the other cushion. Once he had, Buddy mirrored his position, sitting with legs half crossed and facing each other. Then she waited. 

“What’s up?” Juno asked. He drew out the what, deliberately being a little annoying. He appreciated Buddy, but he hated when she just waited for him to start speaking. He felt like a chastised child which didn’t exactly hold the best connotations for him. Not that Buddy would know that, he hadn’t told her. Whatever. 

“I don’t know darling, what is up?” Buddy asked, not taking the bait. She never did. That was probably good for him or something. 

“Just making sure everything’s all good for the next job.” 

“I see. And all this moping about for the last few days has been in preparation for the next job too, I suppose,” Buddy said idly. Juno winced but didn’t give in immediately. “What’s the matter, darling? You were doing well. I know you were able to help my Vespa-” 

“I didn’t really help, I couldn’t do anything about… everything she’s going through,” Juno interrupted. Buddy raised an eyebrow. It was a specific type of raised eyebrow she used when she wanted to let you know that you had very much missed the point. 

“But you tried. You proved that you were trustworthy enough, not just to me but to her. That helps her to be more comfortable around you, which helps in the larger sense. You may not have had the answer to her problems but that doesn’t mean it was worth nothing,” Buddy said. Juno let that sit in his head for a bit, considered it. It made sense. 

“Huh. That’s good then,” he said. 

“It is, darling. But then when you left, she said you were upset again. Rita says you’ve been watching streams with her which you only do when you need the company, and Jet said you’ve been content to sit in silence with him. You do not do silence, Juno, not around others. What’s wrong? I won’t ask again.” 

Juno weighed up his options. He could refuse to talk, Buddy wouldn’t force him though she would be disappointed in him. He really didn’t want to disappoint her. But he also didn’t want to explain that he had fucked up _again_ and now he was dealing with the consequences of his actions and apparently not dealing with them very well. Still, she had helped with some of his issues working with people and… coping. Maybe it would be helpful to talk it out. Even if he didn’t want to. 

“I… made a mistake. With the eye,” Juno said eventually. 

“With Ransom?” Buddy probed. Juno looked up, halfway into a panic already. “He’s the only person you’ve avoided since the situation came up. Not that you spent much time with him to begin with, but now _he_ seems to be actively avoiding _you_ too. Normally the two of you are much more subtle about this. It seems obvious to conclude that whatever happened, it happened with him.” 

She was an observant woman, Buddy Aurinko. Juno liked that about her but it made it damn near impossible to keep anything from her. Not that no one else could have noticed Nureyev avoiding him but Buddy was probably the only one to deduce why. She made Nureyev uneasy as well, Juno could tell that without the eye and he was sure Buddy knew that too. 

“You knew that Ransom and I had worked together before this, yeah?” Juno asked. 

“I did. Though I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” Buddy said with a warning tone. 

“Yeah I’m working up to it. Did he tell you how we knew each other?”

“You want to know what he told me about you?” Buddy asked. Juno didn’t say anything, just fidgeted with the corduroy cushion like a child tugging at the curtains, but Buddy must have seen something that answered her question. Either that or she just wanted to tell the story. “Alright. He told me that the two of you had worked together on two occasions, both involving an investigation and a theft. He said that you worked well together and that your skills were complementary in the field. To be perfectly honest he was so willing to praise your abilities when I told him you would be joining the family, I was quite surprised when you arrived and he seemed to dislike you.” 

“Did he say what those cases were about?” Juno asked. 

“He said they were related to-” Juno watched the moment she realised where he was going with this. Her face changed from Buddy Aurinko: Storyteller, to something much softer. Then she finished her thought “Ancient Martian artefacts. He already knew what that eye could do.”

It wasn’t a question, really, but Juno answered anyway. “He wasn’t there when I swallowed the pill, but he saw me use it. Then when we escaped from the Utgard Express-” 

“He didn’t tell me that you were the partner on the Utgard Express job.”

“Yeah… I wouldn’t have told you either if I were him. I didn’t exactly do an amazing job there, the heist was really all his doing. The important bit is what happened after we got off the train.” 

“His employer Miasma, the one who wanted all the Martian artefacts, the one he’d just betrayed by trying to steal one out from under her nose, she showed up in the Ruby and was ready to kill us. Or, kill him. She still wanted this eye and she had this plan that if I used it enough while she was scanning it then she could replicate the growth and then she wouldn’t need me. I managed to bargain for Ransom’s life but that meant we were both trapped in this Ancient Martian underground lair or whatever, and well, she decided I would have to use the eye on Ransom. Better than running the risk of ruining a perfectly good henchman after all.” 

Buddy nodded along to show she was listening. Sitting there across from her was strange. Normally when they talked about something it was in her office or her room, somewhere she had the upper hand. Buddy Aurinko always found the upper hand where she could take it. But now she was sitting with one leg up on a crappy old couch just listening to Juno tell a story like they were old friends catching up. It put Juno at ease a little and he felt close to her somehow. Like they weren’t employer and employee, weren’t superstar criminal and beaten PI, they were just friends. Friends who could share things with each other. Juno didn’t think he’d ever had a friend who would just sit and listen to him without interjecting a hundred times with stream plots or pyramid schemes. In fact Juno couldn’t remember the last time someone had just listened while he spoke. Well, if someone was listening he might as well say something meaningful. 

“Thing about it all was that I liked him. And he liked me too for some reason. Right from the start we were drawn to each other which is a little weird considering the first time we met I was trying to climb out a window to avoid him but I guess not every meeting can be dignified. Most of mine aren’t. But by the time we were in Miasma’s clutches we’d built up a level of trust and… I don’t know. Something. You’d think what with him being a thief that I wouldn’t be able to but… I did. He put his trust in me and he didn’t let me down and I realised I could rely on him.” 

“You’re remarkably perceptive Juno, I wonder if you saw something in him that allowed you to trust him even before he had proven it to you. Something that superseded your aversion to our trade,” Buddy said. 

“You sound like you have something in mind.” 

“Not necessarily. But there have been a few times where I have conducted hours of research to ascertain some fact that you picked up within thirty seconds of meeting someone. When I researched Ransom I looked for who he was at his core, and I discovered someone who seemed not to be able to decide if he wanted to do good or not. Or rather he had decided, but was ashamed of that choice. Perhaps you saw that in him without having to find his past.” 

It was a nice idea. It might have even been true. But that first meeting with Nureyev, the job at the Kanagawa mansion, the easy flirting and the shared space, the stolen kiss… it was all at the far end of a wormhole that Juno could remember but never reach. There was a clear image at the other side but the weight and time of all that had happened since then squeezed in the middle and obscured the view and showed just how far away it was. 

“Maybe, I don’t know. What I do know is that I cared about him a lot. Way more than I wanted to admit. Then I kinda had to admit it because I pulled a gun on myself to threaten Miasma into keeping him alive.” If Buddy was surprised that Juno had used his own life as a threat then she didn’t show it. She didn’t look happy about it but that was a different beast. “She tortured him to make me use the eye, you know. I still have nightmares about it sometimes, I hear his voice…” 

“It’s never easy to let go of the way our loved ones hurt,” Buddy said, comforting. Juno shook his head. 

“It’s not even that, though. Sure sometimes I hear him screaming, hear _me_ screaming right along with him. But mostly I remember what happened when she stopped hurting him. He kept checking in with me, making sure I was alright. Telling me to take a break if I needed no matter what she was doing to him. She made me read his thoughts, then she made me watch some of his most secret memories, and she hurt him to do it. But he wanted to know if _I_ was okay. He was gentle and he cared and he made it look easy. Like it was so simple to just give a shit, and to keep trying even when everything looked impossible.” 

“Funny. That’s a trait that I admire in _you,_ Juno.” 

“If I seem that way it’s only because I learned it from him,” Juno said. “There’s a lot I learned from him actually. A lot that he taught me without even meaning to…” 

Juno leaned against the back of the couch, his cheek pressed into the fabric hard enough that he would probably end up with stripes in his skin. The rough corduroy was a stark contrast to the soft weight of Buddy’s hand on his knee. The ship creaked around them, a shuffling, settling noise came from the direction of the door but he paid it no mind. Buddy looked to the door but her face didn’t change. Juno pushed on. 

“I felt like nothing next to him, you know. He spoke about the world with all this optimism, talked about going places and experiencing things and made the whole galaxy seem like something beautiful instead of something heavy and harsh. There was this gorgeous world out there and he belonged in it and he said it was worth living for and I locked myself in a room with a bomb. Then when I lost my eye instead of dying he offered to take me away, said I could choose for myself, he wouldn’t bother me ever again if I didn’t want it but if I did… he was gonna take me away from Mars and out into that amazing world he lived in and I…” 

“You said no,” Buddy finished. 

“I said yes,” Juno corrected, breathless. “Then I left him anyway.”

Buddy’s hand tightened on Juno’s leg and he wasn’t sure if it was from shock, if it was supposed to be comforting, or if it was her attempt at digging her nails in through the denim. It wasn’t painful at any rate. Juno didn’t want it to be either, which was a nice change. 

“The way he talked about things made me… hope. Made me think maybe I could do some small bit of good in my life. But I kept thinking about how I’d never managed it on Mars, and I kept thinking about how I was with Rita and Mick and Sasha and how I didn’t want to hurt him that way too. I felt like I could do good things one day, I could learn and try, but if I tried to do it with him I’d ruin him and I couldn’t think of anything worse than that. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to feel and I thought I’d decided to go with him, but I wanted to go back to my office just to see it before I left. I was going to leave a note for Rita and just look out the window one last time but when I got there I was… stuck. Paralysed. I stared out of that window all day. I kept trying to go back to him, kept trying to make my legs move but I couldn’t. Some part of me had decided I wasn’t good enough for him and that life and I wasn’t strong enough to say otherwise.” 

Juno took a breath and it shook, frail as a heart on its last beat. He tried to focus on how strange it felt to cry with two eyes, rather than think of how embarrassing it was to fall apart in front of Buddy Aurinko, the woman who had given him a chance at changing everything. 

“I knew that it must have hurt him. I knew the moment I got back to my office that I’d fucked up and I guess I hoped that hurting him then meant that it wouldn’t hurt more later when I couldn’t live up to what I’d pretended to be. But the other day when I woke up I was so warm and I felt so _safe_ and I thought about him. How he’d made me feel safe. And I reached too far because I felt that pain and _god_ Buddy I hurt him so much worse than I ever thought I could.” 

The tears came faster now and Juno tried to breathe normally. That sucking maw of sorrow that existed in Nureyev’s chest had widened to consume Juno too and it had claimed his lungs, taking the air from his throat and using it to feed the pain inside. Juno’s vision started to dim at the edges but he was shocked into a gasp by Buddy’s hand on his face, lightly swiping the tears away. Suddenly he could breathe again, in deep heaving sobs that rocked his core. It took him some time to get himself back under control again and all the while Buddy held his face in her hands and stroked away his tears. The repetitive movement grounded him until finally he was mostly okay. 

“Sorry,” Juno mumbled. Buddy tsked at him and squeezed his jaw before she finally let her hand fall away. Juno smiled weakly at her. 

“Is that why you’ve avoided him, darling? Because you felt his pain?” Buddy asked. Her voice didn’t change, didn’t get quieter or gentler, she was just regular old Buddy. She didn’t coddle him and the familiar need to impress Buddy Aurinko swelled in Juno’s chest. It helped. 

“I- Yeah. I didn’t want to break down in front of him. It’s not his problem I’m a fuck up.” 

Buddy hummed. 

“You have a lot of things to say about yourself regarding that night, all of it negative so far. But I wonder, did you love him?” 

“Yes,” Juno rushed out. “I told him, in a way, and I meant it. I loved him. I still do.” 

“Then tell me, how else could it have gone?” 

“Well, I could have stayed with him,” Juno said warily. 

“Could you? Make no mistake, darling, what you did was not healthy, nor was it respectful, but you don’t need me to tell you that. But you seem to be under the impression that it was your failure alone. I think I speak with some authority as someone who has been in a relationship for a very long time, _it takes at least two_.” 

“Well yeah but I was the one who ruined it-” 

“You left. Quietly, and without discussion, yes, but leaving was one of your options. He gave you an ultimatum, Juno. Why did it have to be all or nothing? By all accounts Peter Ransom, or whoever he is on any given day, is an extraordinary chameleon. He could have come back to visit. He could have given you a way to contact him. But he made the choice to say that he would take you to the stars or leave you in the barren dust, and he did so at a time in your life when every choice you made was the one that left you more broken than the way you were found.”

Buddy put her hand on Juno’s face again, this time with her thumb along his jaw and her palm under his chin, forcing him to look her in the eyes. 

“We learn from our regrets, and you have learned from yours, Juno Steel. Perhaps it is time to stop thinking about how you failed, and start thinking about where you can go from here. Peter’s hurt is his own, no matter if you felt it or not. If he chooses not to cope then that is his own doing. Don’t let that discount the strides you have made.” 

She rubbed her thumb along his cheek once, then stood gracefully and swept out of the room without waiting for an answer. Juno sat stunned, in awe once again of Buddy Aurinko and the way she could make a simple touch to the cheek feel like a mother’s comfort and a well-earned uppercut all at once. 

* * *

Buddy Aurinko had something of a problem on her hands. She was the captain of an operation that required teamwork and a certain level of trust. For the most part, everyone followed through on that need and things worked well. But the downside to insisting that her little group of criminals become a family was that she was personally invested in their problems. Specifically she was personally invested in the difficulties that Juno Steel was facing and she did not know what to do about it. 

Since their talk on the couch, Juno had perked up a little bit. He was still more subdued than usual, and he still avoided Ransom, but he didn’t run from the room every time Ransom came near him. The concern she had was that Pete did still avoid Juno like the Venusian Plague. He had barely looked at Juno, let alone said a word. Buddy was still trying to find the culprits of Juno’s little kidnapping mid-assignment that ended with his reformed eye, and between that and Juno’s injury she had yet to come up with any further work for them. Still, if something wasn’t done now, the tension would rise over time and Ransom and Juno would not be able to work together like this. She needed them to work together, their teamwork had been the difference between success and failure many times now. More than that, she wanted her family to be happy. 

She went to her quarters to get dressed for bed and find a bottle of something for dinner and found Juno there, half lying on the bed, her Vespa checking on his injury. Buddy was about to ask but Vespa preempted her to say that Jet was repairing a piece of equipment in the medbay and they were using this room while he worked. Buddy nodded and went into the walk-in closet on the far side of the room to change. Something was odd about that scene but she really was tired and she didn’t want to interrupt. 

“Can’t you just sit him down and say something?” Buddy heard Vespa ask. She kept her voice down but Buddy’s hearing was very good, and the door was still open just slightly. She didn’t feel bad about hearing, if they wanted Buddy not to know they should have waited to speak. 

“No,” came Juno’s frustrated reply, then a sigh. “I just don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have.” 

Vespa let the air out through her teeth, then came the sound of sheets rustling. Either Juno had moved or Vespa had sat down, Buddy couldn’t tell which. “Listen, I get that. I _really_ do.” Vespa said. Buddy was tempted to go out there and interrupt, to tell Vespa that she had never hurt Buddy deliberately and never would, but she knew better, and this wasn’t her conversation. “But you know nothing's gonna change unless you talk about it. Trust me, I know how much that sucks, but it’s really the only thing to do.” 

“Yeah I know I just…” Juno trailed off, as he so often did. He would think of half of what he wanted to say and then fail to find the other half in words before he got there. Or he wouldn’t have decided if he wanted to say it at all. He was strange like that, always snapping out half a thought yet when time came for a mystery of some kind he would methodically work through every piece of information he could find and would usually only share any findings when prompted, or if they were in danger. Otherwise they all had to wait for him to finish to find out the conclusions he’d drawn. 

“Just what, Steel? Nothing’s gonna change if you don’t change it! Ransom’s not gonna budge that’s for sure,” Vespa hissed. Her voice was softer than usual. Not just quieter but gentler. Usually with the crew she spoke in harsh tones and grumbled orders, and with Buddy she lost all that heat and bark and became her Vespa, but this was somewhere in between. It seemed Juno really had managed to earn her trust. Buddy smiled. 

“I know. Look if it affects the jobs we’re on then obviously I will do something but for right now? I owe him better than that after what I did,” Juno muttered. 

“Which you still won’t tell me,” Vespa said. Her voice sounded like it came with a pout and Buddy could not help but smirk fondly at that. 

“Which I still won’t tell you,” Juno confirmed. “Are you gonna bandage this up or what?” He asked soon after. 

“Oh, it’s fine to be free to the air now, just don’t go poking it or anything,” Vespa said dismissively. “You could even cry all you wanted now.” 

She snickered while Juno cursed at her, then Buddy saw the shadow of a lithe body block off the light in the doorway. “You okay in there, Bud? You’ve been a while.” 

Buddy hurriedly finished putting on her sleep shirt and exited the wardrobe still buttoning it up. “Yes my love, sorry I just got distracted.” 

“That’s okay,” Vespa said slowly. She looked a little distracted herself as she watched Buddy finish up the last few buttons. Now it was Juno’s turn to laugh. Vespa turned around and glared at him but that’s when Buddy realised what was strange about this whole display. Vespa did not have her knife out. Buddy made her decision.

“Alright my darlings I need to go deal with something quickly but after that I would like my bed so if you can finish up here in the next half hour or so that would be best,” Buddy announced. She watched Juno and Vespa both nod in some confusion but she paid it no mind, she had something else to do. 

Vespa’s point may not have hit home with Juno, but it certainly did with Buddy. Ransom was not willing to put in the work to make things better and that needed to change. She had allowed it while they were still working well together but Buddy knew that this would affect their working relationship heavily, and unlike Juno she wasn’t willing to take the risk the first time to test the theory. But Juno had _tried_ already. So it was Ransom’s turn to work on things, and if her hunch was correct, he would have some new thoughts on the matter today. 

The personal quarters were all relatively close together. The only exception was that her and Vespa’s room was slightly apart from the others at the end of the hall, but it wasn’t a long walk to find Ransom’s quarters. She knocked, waited for the vague call to enter, and prepared herself for a trying conversation.

“Ah, Captain Aurinko. What can I do for you?” Ransom asked in that saccharine voice he used when he wanted people to believe that he was happy to see them. In fairness, he used that voice when he really was happy to see someone too, but Buddy was beginning to be able to tell which was which. 

“I’d like to speak with you, Pete. Can I come in?” Buddy asked. She let her tone inform him that it was not really a question. He moved to the side and gestured for her to enter. His room was a mess. It hadn’t been like that the first time she came in here but then she supposed he hadn’t yet had time to throw everything on every surface he could find up to and including the floor. Ransom cleared off the chair at the desk for her and gestured grandly for her to sit, then followed suit on the bed. Buddy looked at his new moon face, beautiful but hidden in shadow, refusing to acknowledge the path of its orbit or the gravitational force that guided it. Now that she knew most of the story between him and Juno she wondered how much of his behaviour was anger, and how much was hurt.

“What did you want to talk about, Captain? I can’t imagine it’s about my performance, you wouldn’t have waited so long to pass judgement,” Ransom began. He was nervous, she realised. Well he had good reason to be. 

“Not your performance so far, though I suppose I am concerned about how things might play out in the future. But no this isn’t strictly work-related, Pete. We need to talk about you,” Buddy said. Ransom shifted on the bed, leaned back and kept his chest open. Compensating for the desire to curl up and hide no doubt. “I know you heard my talk with Juno today. Some of it at the very least.” 

Ransom narrowed his eyes, not a glare specifically, but certainly not happy. “I’m sure I have no idea what you mea-”

“What did I say about deception in this family, Pete? I won’t have it,” Buddy snapped. Ransom sat up properly again, shoulders hunched forward. He dropped the pleasant, confident facade and looked Buddy in the eyes. Finally. 

“Yes, I heard it. I don’t see how it’s any of your business. I also don’t see what there is to discuss.” Ransom was strung tight as a wire now and his voice sounded like it could snap at any second. Well that just wouldn’t do, would it? 

“It is my business because you need to be able to work with the others, Pete. This is a matter of everyone’s safety and right now I am quite certain that if I were to send you and Juno on a job together we would be lucky to pull through in one piece because you cannot stand to even look at him.” Buddy leaned forward in her seat and pinned Ransom with a hard stare. “I am not telling you that you have to forgive him, I’m not telling you that you have to get along. I am telling you that you need to be able to work together and until you talk to him I don’t believe that will happen.” 

“You heard what Juno said, Captain, I’m not the one who caused the trouble here,” Ransom said. Buddy had to resist rolling her eyes. 

“And you heard what I said to him. Juno made the initial mistake, yes, but you are the one who has refused to talk to him. Juno has tried to talk, he’s tried to leave you alone, and he has tried both being friendly and being distant. Juno has just about tried everything that he can do on his own, and it isn’t working. Because there are two parts to this problem, and it won’t be solved from only one side,” Buddy said. 

Ransom stammered, looking for a response and unable to find one. Buddy didn’t wait for him to figure it out. 

“You know what I think, darling? I think you don’t want to get close to him again because he brings out the best in you, and you think that whatever you’re contending with in your own life will require only the worst parts of your soul. I think you’re afraid he’ll make you better and that you won’t be safe when he does. I also think that’s a ridiculous notion and I hope you figure out that we all want to help you before your debts come to call or worse, you lose him forever.”

Buddy stood up. She had no patience for this anymore, she was tired and she wanted to go to bed with a glass of wine. Besides, she had said her piece. Ransom was the only one who could fix this now and he would need time to stop floundering and think about it. He didn’t need her there for that. Buddy stalked out of the room, leaving Ransom to his thoughts. 

* * *

Nureyev locked the door behind Buddy and sat heavily on the bed again. There were many things that he had filed away for future consideration, and he had done so knowing that the future was a nebulous place that one never truly reached. The future became the present eventually and the present was a time for focus and for work. Contemplation was for a time that didn’t exist. Except that by joining Buddy Aurinko’s ‘crime family’ Nureyev had apparently entered a whole new universe where legends could be made manifest and taken, and the future could be tossed in one’s lap with the stern order to read every file it contained. 

If Nureyev were to be honest with himself, then he would first have to admit that he was not in fact honest with himself very often. With that done, he would then have to admit that he has not been honest with himself about Juno Steel since the night they _didn’t_ run away together. He wanted to resent Buddy Aurinko for storming in and forcing him to think about Juno, to think about what had happened and what the reasons might be for it all, but he couldn’t. Buddy might have demanded he do something about it, but Nureyev had been thinking without wanting to since he heard Juno speak. Since he heard Juno tell Buddy the things that Nureyev had not allowed him to say. 

Buddy had been correct when she said that Nureyev was refusing to confront his feelings about Juno. It had been hard enough to stash them away, let alone face them head on. Then Juno had been there in front of him again, staring in awe at the ship, then staring in awe at _him_ and Nureyev had shut down. He had hidden behind every wall and facade that he knew of and became a distant constellation of neurons in his own mind, refusing to acknowledge the exploding nebula of emotion that had taken over everywhere else inside him. Then he had been forced to interact with Juno and he was so different from the angry, skittish creature he once was. It was too much, and Nureyev had convinced himself that this new Juno was not the same as the old one, could not be _his_ Juno who he had loved enough to say so. 

But to hear Juno speak to Buddy, to hear the compassion and the care and the _love_ all directed at Nureyev… something about hearing those tales of their time together from this new Juno had made it all so much more real. He could no longer pretend that the Juno he knew now and the Juno of two years ago were different people. He could also no longer pretend that he did not still care so deeply for Juno that it was rending him in two. Hearing Juno say that he loved Nureyev, his only thought had been _he loves me too._ If Nureyev was to be honest with himself…

Well he hadn’t been had he? He had been entirely too willing to see Juno as nothing but a nuisance and a handicap. Then when he’d proven to be just as good as Nureyev remembered in the field he had tried to cover it up with other ideas of Juno being immature or naive. But he wasn’t. If anyone was being immature here it was Nureyev. There was more to consider of course, their history was raw and vivid and so intense but it was only a small part of his life and yet. Somehow Nureyev’s past, his failures, his debts, they all seemed so far away when compared to Juno right down the hall and so easily able to say that he’s in love. Nureyev wanted to say that he was in love too. He wanted to say it to Juno. He wanted to forget all the hurt and the doubt and just fall into his arms. It wouldn’t be safe, but for the first time in months he could admit it was what he wanted.

For a moment Nureyev considered it. Considered walking down the hall and saying everything he was thinking. But he thought better of it. After all this time he could not go see Juno without some kind of plan, some knowledge of what he wanted to say and why. He needed to sort through all the things he had pushed aside, and figure out what needed to be said and what was just misunderstanding. There was so much he had not understood. But perhaps there was hope yet. Hope that he had apparently given to Juno, and that Juno now returned to him. Perhaps Nureyev could speak with Juno and make things right. At the very least perhaps he could clear the air and enjoy what little time there was left until his past caught up with him. Nureyev should probably have prepared for bed, or worked on keeping his skills sharp, but he planned out his next moves instead. For once, the work could be filed away for future consideration. 

* * *

There was very little that Jet could have done about the current circumstances they were in, but he felt, illogically, that he had failed in some way. He had been tasked with taking Juno on a supply run. It was intended to be a simple shopping trip for groceries, and with Juno on the mend and restless, Buddy had asked Jet to bring him along. Jet had thought it was a good idea at the time. Now, with his ears ringing and the cabal of assailants on the other side of the car that he and Juno were hunkered down behind, he wished they had not gone on this trip at all. 

“You doing okay over there, Big Guy?” Juno asked him. His tone was reflective of his stress, tense and whiny, as a child might be when they are scared. Juno was often like a child, so prone to complaint but also determined to succeed. Juno, more so than anyone else Jet had ever met, had taught him that there was often a negative and a positive side to each trait. 

“I have hit my head but I am thinking clearly. Are you alright?” Jet replied evenly. 

“Oh sure, just great. Not real happy about the assholes back there but I guess we’ll just have to deal with them.” Juno said. He was right, they would have to deal with their attackers. But they would not necessarily have to confront them alone. While they were at a stalemate, Jet pulled out his comms and dialled the number for Buddy. 

“Hello, darling. What is it?” Buddy asked. Her smooth voice came with an inherent sense of comfort for Jet and he appreciated it at that moment. 

“We have been attacked. I believe it is likely these are the same group of people who kidnapped Juno and replicated his eye. We will require assistance,” Jet said. He kept his voice quiet, and he noted that Juno stayed silent. 

“Keep your comms line open, dear. Rita is tracking your position now, we are on our way,” Buddy said, all business. “Do you have Juno with you, still?” 

“Yeah I’m here,” Juno answered. 

“Good. Hold tight.” Buddy did not end the call but she muted herself. Likely to allow Jet and Juno to approach the situation uninterrupted. Jet was about to start work on a plan when one of their assailants shouted across the car. Their time was up. 

“Listen up you two, we only want that eye. You come with us, Steel, and we’ll take it out clean and let you go.” The voice called. Juno laughed derisively. 

“Like hell I believe that!” He shouted back. Jet was inclined to agree that they would not allow Juno to leave unharmed but he winced slightly at Juno’s defensive behaviour. They did not know how many people there were across the car, and they could not afford to start an unwinnable fight. Jet heard the sound of footsteps on the other side of the vehicle and he scrambled to get Juno up and moving. 

Their attackers shot at them but their aim was hardly impressive. Jet tried to keep Juno in front of him, protected from the enemy but there were too many of them. They reached another car on the other side of the road to bunker down behind but they were trapped now between their assailants and the large wall of a government building. There was no door on this side and the windows were too high up to escape through. 

“I have a plan,” Juno said. His voice was firm, like he was giving an order. Jet had a feeling he was not going to like this plan. “Check the other side,” Juno said and Jet turned to get a look around the car. He catalogued five attackers between them and any escape, then he heard Juno cry out in pain. Jet turned back immediately and his sight confirmed what his instincts had very suddenly feared. Juno sat with a bloodied knife in his hands, his eye bleeding heavily from where he had stabbed it. 

“Juno!” Jet cried. He didn’t mean to shout but even his control had limits. Seeing a close friend maim themselves certainly counted as _beyond those limits_ . His shout must have given their attackers cause for concern because they came at the car in a rush. Jet brought his blaster up but he was not fast enough. The man closest to him knocked it out of his hands with a sharp smack from the butt of his own rifle. Then he and one of the others aimed their blasters at Jet. Before they could fire, a cry of _stop_ rang out. The man closest to Jet growled and wrenched his head around by the hair so that he was caught in a firm grip. The twisting motion put Jet where he could see Juno and his heartbeat raced at paces the Ruby 7 would be jealous of. There, standing up now, was Juno. He had his blaster out and tucked firmly under his own chin. 

“If you hurt him I’ll shoot and then you’ll never get the eye,” Juno said. His voice was stern, he was in control. Jet could almost admire it, though it concerned him that Juno was most comfortable in his place in a fight when his life was most at risk. That was a concern for another time though, so Jet focused on the three most important things: Juno, the man who had a grip on his hair, and his comms which were now on the ground near his hand. So long as his comms was still active, Rita had their location. So long as Jet was incapacitated by a firm grip and a blaster, he was unable to move. So long as Juno stayed alive but threatening their enemy’s goal, they were at a standstill. Juno had himself held hostage, but every hostage situation could be negotiated. The voice above Jet’s head began to do just that. 

“You really gonna shoot yourself? For this?” He asked. Jet noted the harsh tone. This man was trying for a confident approach, though Jet was unable to tell if he was truly as self-assured as he sounded. 

“Yeah I am. I don’t trust you to keep me alive when you’re done with this eye, so if I’m trapped then I guess my life isn’t worth much to me. But it’s worth something to you. So let him go and then we can talk,” Juno said. Jet noted his laboured breathing made worse by his speech. His shoulders were low with pain and exhaustion but only one hand was shaking, and it wasn’t the one he held his blaster with. 

“Say we let him go… then what. You gonna shoot yourself anyway?” The negotiator asked. “We can let this one go, but we need to know he won’t come at us, and that _you_ won’t just pull the trigger anyway.” 

Juno opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by the sound of a car speeding down the street. The Ruby 7 ran over the two still standing on the road, neither of them jumped out of the way in time. Jet held back a pained groan when his captor tugged at his hair in turning to face the Ruby. Jet began to look for a way to use the distraction but it was a moot point. Three blaster shots rang out in the street and the three remaining attackers dropped to the ground, each with a shot to the head. Buddy got out of the car, blaster still in hand, closely followed by Vespa and Ransom. 

Jet pulled away from the body of the man who had held him captive and rushed over to Juno, who had dropped his blaster and was halfway to the ground. It was a few short crawled steps to Juno and Jet half caught him as he succumbed to the pain in his eye. Vespa came to them quickly and began to examine the damage that Juno had done to himself. She grumbled at him all the while but Jet noticed that it had significantly less heat to it than usual, and she seemed much more scared than angry. It gave Jet a warm feeling in his chest that was sorely needed after so much fear. 

Ransom approached, clearly distraught though he was just as clearly trying to hide it. He watched Vespa work on Juno with hawk-like intensity. It was a marked difference from his usual behaviour around Juno. When Vespa had finished padding Juno’s eye to stem the bleeding and Juno was completely unconscious, she looked to Jet. 

“Can you carry him?” She asked. Jet tried to stand, then stumbled at a sudden bout of vertigo and fell to the ground again. 

“I am afraid I cannot,” Jet said. Buddy came to his side and placed a bracing hand on his shoulder. 

“I’ve got him,” Ransom offered, and he hoisted Juno up into an unsteady carry with Vespa’s help. Jet was curious to know what had changed so suddenly with Ransom and Juno, but now was not the time. Instead he allowed Buddy to help him up and offer him her shoulder to get over to the car that he and Juno had arrived in. 

“Ransom, drive them back to the ship in the Ruby 7. I’ll take Jet in the other car.” Buddy ordered. Ransom and Vespa both nodded and in a few short seconds they had settled Juno into the back seat and torn off towards the Carte Blanche. 

After some stumbling and some heavy leaning on Buddy’s shoulder, Jet managed to get over to the car he had brought to buy groceries that morning. The illusion of battle was that it often felt much longer than it actually was. Jet half expected the cold groceries in the car to be wilted and inedible from so long left in the heat but that was irrational. The Carte Blanche was not far away and the fight only took a few short minutes in truth, everything was exactly as he had left it. Jet settled into the passenger side of the car, a strange experience in and of itself, and let the rumble of the engine soothe his nerves while Buddy drove them back to the Carte Blanche at a much less urgent pace than the Ruby 7. 

Jet felt a little better by the time Buddy parked the car in the Carte Blanche’s garage. Enough that he could walk on his own to the medbay, though he did allow Buddy to accompany him to the door for her own peace of mind, if not for his need to have a steady hand. When Jet entered he saw that Juno was laid on the surgical cot that stayed set up at all times in this room. There was another in storage, but Vespa did not seem to think that Jet would need it. She gestured for him to sit in the vinyl covered chair by her desk and got to work checking Jet for any lasting damage. 

“How is Juno?” Jet asked. Vespa looked over at the bed and Jet followed suit. He noted the fresh bandages over Juno’s right eye, the face now clean of blood except for a few stains on the white cloth, the pained expression even in sleep. 

“He’ll be alright. There was no way I was gonna be able to save that eye but it might be a good thing. If it was gonna bleed and give him headaches every time he caught a random thought then it’s probably best it’s gone.” She paused, then added with a wry tone and a scowl, “Not that I like the way he got rid of it.” 

Jet mulled that over in his mind for a moment. It seemed strange to value the loss of a working organ, but he supposed in this case it was true. It was less about losing an eye and more about choosing to excise a malignant tumor even if that meant taking the surrounding flesh with it. Certainly Juno hadn’t been comfortable with the ability to take such personal information that hadn’t been offered to him. 

“I worry about how willing he is to harm himself for the sake of others,” Jet said quietly. He did not want to disturb Ransom, who was sat on the far side of Juno’s bed, his eyes locked onto Juno but his mind clearly far away. Whatever tension there was between those two must have broken in some way. Jet hoped it was for the better. 

Vespa hummed her agreement. She turned back to Jet and continued to check him over for any signs of injury that weren’t immediately obvious. 

“Rita said he had to focus that thing on what he wanted to know to use it,” Vespa said slowly, still deliberating if she wanted to say this to Jet even as she was already speaking. “When we went on that job where he got stabbed, he was looking for the guards. He only found the ones that were trying to hurt me.” 

A moment’s thinking brought Jet to the conclusion he was sure that Vespa herself had drawn. “He was not looking for a way to get out, he was looking for a way to save you,” Jet said, stating his thought aloud for confirmation. Vespa shrugged. 

“Either way it’s good that it’s gone,” Vespa said in a tone that shut any further conversation down. Jet allowed her to finish her examination in silence and when she declared him well and only in need of painkillers, they left the medbay together. 

* * *

Juno woke to a throbbing pain in his right eye, or rather where the right eye used to be. He didn’t quite know how to feel about that so he decided to just… not. Not yet anyway. He turned his head away from the light source and sighed at the inky darkness that came over his one remaining closed eye. A hand gently brushed against his, long fingered and light. Juno stilled. 

“Buddy?” He asked. Surely it was her, it couldn’t be-

“Not quite, I’m afraid.” Nureyev’s voice was half a whisper but it was unmistakably his. Juno opened his eye and stared at him, more accurately he stared at the blurry shape that must have been him. Juno blinked a few times and his vision cleared up so that Juno could see Nureyev, awash in lamplight, _smiling at him._

“N- Ransom. What are you…?” Juno couldn’t even finish his sentence. He tried to sit up only using one arm so that Nureyev wouldn’t let go of his hand but it didn’t really work out. Juno felt the loss somewhere deep in his chest when Nureyev pulled his hand away but it was replaced instantly with warmth when Nureyev helped Juno sit up and propped the pillows up behind him so that he could rest comfortably. Upright and more awake, Juno could see they were alone. He tried again to speak.

“Nureyev, what are you doing here?” Juno asked. Nureyev looked almost _bashful_ if Juno had to give a name to it. Something embarrassed but soft at the same time, like the first blush of light against the sky before the sun fully committed to rising. It was beautiful, and Juno didn’t understand it at all. 

“I wanted to make sure you were alright, I suppose,” Nureyev said. His voice too was soft and open. So similar to the way he had spoken that night before Juno messed it all up. “I also wanted to ask you if you were willing to talk. About us. Whenever you’re ready for it, I mean.” 

All the air in the ship must have been redirected somewhere else because Juno couldn’t breathe. Nureyev looked down at the bed, where he had taken Juno’s hand again and Juno had been too stunned by what he said to notice. He was dreaming, he must have been. He was dreaming and when he woke up he’d be in the medbay alone, or maybe Rita would be there watching a stream on her comms. This couldn’t be real, and yet Juno was in enough pain that it sure didn’t seem like a dream. 

“We can talk now, if you want.” Juno said in a rush. He didn’t want to miss his chance. Nureyev said that they could talk when Juno was ready but what if he changed his mind later? 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to overdo it for me, not while you’re injured certainly,” Nureyev asked. The clear concern in his voice was enough to make Juno’s chest tighten, overwhelmed with fear and joy. He thought Nureyev would never sound like that about him again. In fact it was only really hitting Juno now how certain he had been that he’d lost Nureyev for good, now that he was being given a chance to explain and apologise. 

“I’m sure,” Juno whispered. 

“Then I need to start by confessing to something,” Nureyev said hesitantly. “I overheard your conversation with the Captain the other day. I realise that isn’t precisely good form but I-” 

“I don’t mind. You’re allowed to hear what I have to say about you,” Juno cut him off. Nureyev faltered for a moment, caught off guard.

“Even so, I shouldn’t have listened in on a private conversation without you knowing. I… well I’m sorry for that.” The apology sat awkwardly in his mouth. It must have been an unusual thing for Nureyev to apologise sincerely, Juno realised. What would he have to say sorry for when he spent his days taking from those who had never felt a second of guilt in their lives. 

“I got a whole lot of things to be sorry for, Nureyev. I don’t think listening to a conversation in a public place really compares,” Juno said. Nureyev’s expression froze, conflicted. Juno considered it for a second and realised that if this was already outside of the normal for Nureyev, then maybe he just needed acknowledgement. Juno was happy to provide. “If it helps, you’re forgiven.” 

Some of the tension went out of Nureyev’s shoulders and Juno felt a rush of relief flood him top to bottom knowing he’d read the situation right. Maybe this wouldn’t go terribly after all. 

“There are more things than just listening in that I think I need to apologise for, Juno.” 

“Well maybe we can take it in turns,” Juno quipped, half serious. “I’ll start if you like: I’m sorry I left.” 

For all that Juno had found it so hard to admit to wrongdoing in his life, somehow this felt easy. Maybe because he’d rehearsed it in his head a million times over since the day he went back to his office. Maybe it was just that he’d grown since then. Either way, it was simple now to say exactly what he meant. No more stuttering and losing his nerve around this man. 

“I...” Nureyev started. Then he stopped. Juno waited, tense as a trap, while Nureyev figured out what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry as well. For the way that I treated you since you joined this crew. I… it was unprofessional at the very least and, well. I suppose I was lashing out. I wanted to hurt you. It was immature and entirely unbecoming and-

“A completely normal thing?” Juno interrupted. Nureyev made a face and Juno almost laughed that even in the middle of a tough conversation he would still be offended at being called _normal_. 

“I still shouldn’t have done it,” Nureyev insisted and Juno shrugged. 

“Maybe not, but I haven’t got any room to judge there. You’re looking at the queen of lashing out.” 

“Perhaps,” Nureyev admitted. “I still regret it though. I was unfair, especially on our first job at Nova’s party. I didn’t give you the credit for what you are capable of, I... didn’t want to admit that you had grown without me.” His shoulders were dropped low, his lips downturned. It was a sad sight and Juno wanted to reach out and comfort him but he didn’t know how, or if it would be welcome. He settled instead for a smile.

“I’m not mad about any of that. Well, okay I was a bit mad when you wouldn’t listen to me at Nova’s party because I really was just trying to help but all the other stuff I don’t blame you for. I fucked up, I can’t expect you to just be okay with that.” Juno shrugged, a little rueful. The hand that wasn’t holding Juno’s lifted in an aborted gesture, then dropped again. 

“You don’t have to forgive me. I’m not expecting that,” Juno hurried to reassure him. “I just-”

Nureyev found a use for that other hand by placing his fingers against Juno’s lips to silence him. He took a deep breath, then let it out evenly. Juno waited. 

“The issue that I am having, is that I think I already _have_ forgiven you. But I feel like I shouldn’t. There are a thousand reasons I can think of for why I shouldn’t be here with you, some I’m sure you can figure out and others that are entirely to do with me, but…” Nureyev stalled. He still had his fingers against Juno’s mouth, and Juno felt that pressure shift strangely as he replied. 

“But?” Juno prompted. 

“ _But…_ despite my better judgement I find myself wanting to stay. I’m still upset with you for leaving but after hearing what you said to Buddy… well I suppose it helped to hear that you did know what you’d done. It also helped to hear… well.” He let his hand fall away. 

“You needed to know I wasn’t going to spill your secrets?” Juno asked. 

“No, I knew you wouldn’t. You’ve already proven that for every day you’ve been on this ship and not told anyone my name,” Nureyev said softly. “But after you left, I thought…” 

Then it clicked for Juno. It should have been obvious, but he had been so caught up in his own feelings that he’d forgotten not to take it for granted that Nureyev would know them too. Nureyev wasn’t the mind reader here though. Neither of them were anymore.

“You thought I didn’t mean it when I said I loved you,” Juno finished for him. Nureyev flinched minutely and looked down at their joined hands, and Juno knew he’d hit the nail on the head. 

“Yes, well, you can understand how I might have felt that way,” Nureyev said in a rush. 

“Yeah, I can,” Juno said, more calmly. “But it’s not true.”

“Yes I know that now, I heard what you said to Buddy.” 

“But that’s not the same thing. Nureyev look at me.” Juno waited until Nureyev looked him in the eye. “I meant what I said. I know I couldn’t say it properly at the time but I did mean it. I loved you then and I love you now, and whatever happens with us won’t change how much I care about you because you mean the world to me. I said in that Martian bunker that you were the best thing that ever happened to me and the more I think about how much you’ve done for me, how much it’s changed me for the better, the more true I realise it was.” 

Nureyev looked like he’d been struck over the head. Juno bit his lip, fighting the need to take it back, to apologise and run like hell from his problems the way he always used to. He held back that terror and just waited. The moment stretched out into a small eternity but it finally broke with a single tear that slipped down Nureyev’s cheek and fell onto their joined hands. 

“I love you too,” Nureyev whispered. “I never stopped either and I felt like _such an idiot.”_

Juno shushed him gently. “It’s not… you’re not an idiot for feeling something. I get it but that’s not how people work. We feel things we don’t want to and we just kind of have to accept that.” Juno smiled weakly and Nureyev returned it. A couple more tears fell and he sniffled, then wiped at his eyes. 

“How very wise of you, Juno.” Nureyev said with a huff that could have been a laugh or it could have been genuine annoyance. Juno chuckled and decided to take a risk. He lifted Nureyev’s hand and pulled it gently to his mouth. Nureyev’s face went carefully blank when Juno kissed his knuckles as softly as he could manage. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then shook his head slightly and leaned forward. 

Juno had forgotten the exact way his heart skipped every second beat when Peter Nureyev kissed him. The way that everything else in the world faded out and became a backdrop to the only truly important thing in the world. With Nureyev’s lips on his it was easy to think that nothing else had ever mattered and nothing else ever could. Juno moaned softly into Nureyev’s mouth and he would be ashamed of it as soon as they stopped but in that moment he didn’t care about anything except the feeling of warmth flooding his chest and the slight scrape of sharp teeth against his lip. 

Juno reached up with his free hand and buried it in Nureyev’s hair. It was soft, and the slight tug made Nureyev tilt his head a little and press in harder. Juno gasped and Nureyev chased that breath, leaving him dizzy and overwhelmed, lost in the sensation. Juno dragged his hand forward out of Nureyev’s hair and onto his cheek, and lifted the other one, still squeezed tight around long fingers, to the other side. Finally, Nureyev pulled away and Juno stared in love-struck awe at his blushing face framed by three hands. Nureyev kissed Juno’s wrist and squeezed his hand. Juno let him go. 

There was an awkward moment of uncertainty but it broke when Nureyev laughed. Juno grinned at him, filled with all the hope he had never dared to feel before. How this man made him hope for so much Juno would never know. He wanted an eternity to puzzle it out though.

“There are so many ways this could go wrong,” Nureyev said so quietly Juno thought he was probably speaking to himself. He answered anyway. 

“We can talk about it. Figure it out. If you want to, that is.” 

“I want to,” Nureyev said with a terrified grin. “I don’t know how, but I want to try.” 

“Good. Me too,” Juno whispered. He tried not to let his relief show on his face but he probably failed. That was fine though. Juno wasn’t going to keep secrets from Nureyev, not anymore. “You don’t have to stay, you know. That chair can’t be comfortable.” 

“I can stay a little while longer. At least until Vespa realises you’re awake,” Nureyev offered. Juno reached out for Nureyev’s hand again and squeezed it gratefully. Later, they would talk about everything. For now they sat in comfortable, happy silence. Just for a little while longer. 

  
  



End file.
